It’s interesting how some markers of femininity meant so much to me early on and now, today I’m remarkably similar to who I was pre-transition, that is to say, I’m surprisingly more ‘masculine’ than I thought I’d be. All this begs the question of what femininity and masculinity truly are, at least to me.

When I first began transitioning, what meant the most to me and what I thought femininity meant came down to surface level aesthetics eg. long hair, makeup, pink everything, dresses and for some reason, scrunchies, I thought they were the epitome of femme, don’t ask why. [There are photos that exist of my baby trans days with four inch long hair tied up into the teeniest tiniest pony tail you ever did see- those photos will never see the light of day. Never.]

Fast forward to today, and my hair rarely sees the light of day outside a messy bun. My makeup routine? Five minutes, tops. Dresses? Ugh, forget it — the chafing alone is enough to make me swear off them for life. And color? Don’t even get me started. All black everything is my current uniform. Pair that with my tattoos and my “I’ll cut a bitch” attitude, and it’s safe to say my “baby trans” self would be so disappointed. I used to think femininity was all about style and perfectly winged eyeliner, but now I realize it was never about the surface. It was about finding a way to express my inner self, and that self is way more complex (and maybe a little more badass) than I ever imagined.

Wearing the costume of a ‘dude’ meant constantly policing myself. My love for cheesy rom-coms? Buried deep. My urge to burst into spontaneous song? Muffled with extreme prejudice. Even my tears felt like a betrayal of the tough-guy image I was trying to project (emphasis on ‘trying’- looking back, I honestly don’t think I was fooling anybody). It was exhausting, and honestly, over time it left me feeling hollow. Now, I revel in those things. I belt out show tunes while grocery shopping, I cry at dog food commercials, and I own my love for anything and everything that I value with zero remorse. It’s liberating.

As I’ve come to learn, true femininity comes down to one thing and one thing only: that there’s no one way to be feminine. I found while I was a ‘dude’, I was frequently bombarded by society telling me what was and what wasn’t masculine, in other words, what parts of me were and weren’t okay. The pressure to be fit, strong, aggressive, emotionless, and countless other things suffocated and sucked the life right out of me. It was like I experienced burnout but for who I was pretending to be. Imagine an actor playing a role every single day of their lives without being allowed to reveal your true self for even a moment, I literally ‘worked’ myself into oblivion. Now, I’m eternally grateful for a few people out there who I felt safe enough to be my true self around, without them I honestly don’t know if I would have understood who my ‘true self’ actually was.

In the end, as I’ve come to appreciate, it’s about living a life that feels genuinely me, and that, in itself, is as radically feminine and badass as it gets. So, to anyone who feels pressured to conform to society’s narrow definitions of gender, I say: fuck ’em. Embrace your complexities, your contradictions, your messy, beautiful, authentic self. It’s the most liberating thing you’ll ever do.

Voice is something that’s near and dear to my heart, especially working as a voice coach specializing in trans voice. If you’re looking for help to bring your own voice out, hit me up at https://www.voicebykylie.com/contact

Till’ next time,

Kylie